Cruise Shippin'...

Mornin' Ya'all!
Okay, so have any of ya'all out there ever worked on a cruise ship? I'm thinkin' bout takin' a job on one fer the summer. I figured it would be good to live on the water and be a dancin' lady for a few months. I mean, I learned how to dance on a pole when I was 11, so I think I got this thing nailed.
mmmmmmmm, nailed on the open water, NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' BOUT!!! SON OF A BITCH!!! AHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAA
It's a private 'gentlemans ship', an it's course is mainly down around Cuba, and believe me when I tell ya about knowin' about courses south of the border...heeheeeheeeheee

I hope ya'all have a Happy Day and don't ferget to SMILE!!!
XX...Jolean

Hump Day Greetin'...

Hey Ya'all!
Happy Hump Day!
Have a Happy Day and don't ferget to SMILE!!! :)
XX...Jolean

Hobo Humpin'...

Mornin' Ya'all!

Well, with the hope of spring one day, comes the threat of a delayed winter the next, without even buying you dinner first and then kissin' ya on the mouth(with tongue!!!) while he is secretly handcuffing your ankle to the radiator. Of course, after you pass out for a few days from the roofies he put in yer vodka oatmeal smoothie, and he got bored waitin' fer ya to wake up, so then he takes off, and then ya realize you ain't in yer appartment, yer in some god forsaken warehouse who knows where.
But then you come to the conclusion to try and pick the lock on the handcuffs, but then realize the handcuffs are actually plastic and break very easily.
And then what goes through yer mind is 'What the hell have I been doin' for the past coupla days, oh that's right, bein' passed out while hobos urinate on you, stray dogs are tryin' to hump you, or was that the other way around???!!! Doesn't matter, but you hope that's just a knot in yer hair from bed head and not a rat nesting in yer hair.

I hope ya'all have a Happy Day with warm thoughts of Spring in the air as we continue with a few more cold spells. And don't ferget to SMILE!!!
XX...Jolean :)

Sweatin' the Beddin'...

Mornin' Ya'all!!!

It's Monday, and I'm already ready fer Friday!!! AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAA

It was another night of bein' all moist and sweaty in bed, wakin' up every hour on the hour, now I gotta wash them sheets...SON OF A BITCH!!! I AM TOO YOUNG TO BE GOIN' THROUGH "the change"!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

Well, we could get more into alien conspiracy theories, but we'll save that fer another day...heeheehee
I'm off to do some voice-overs for our next 'From the Vault' series, so that should be up online tonight...WOOWOOO

I hope ya'all have a Happy Day and don't ferget to SMILE!!!
XX...Jolean

Weatherin'...

Mornin' Ya'all!!!

WOOOOWEEEEE!!!! Spring is here!!!! Well, almost, just enough beautiful weather to get us all in the mood fer flip flops and peein' in the bushes....ahahahhahahahhahahah
I know we got more snow comin' this week, but just to be able to go out and get my newspaper in my Tuesday panties again is so delightful...heehee

I hope ya'all are havin' a great weekend!!!
Have a Happy Day and don't ferget to SMILE!!!!
XX...Jolean ;)

Pubic Hairin'...

Mornin' Ya'all!!!

Well, I am gettin' older, I found a gray hair, A GRAY HAIR!!!!!!!! And that little sucker was down near my badger hole, MY BADGER HOLE!!!!
Tex was down there gettin' an early start on huntin' season, when BAM!!! He's starts laughin' and callin' me his really old lady and Mrs. Robertson. I tried to tell him it's Mrs. Robinson, but then he passed out drunk...oh well! heehee

Have a Happy Day Ya'all, and don't ferget to SMILE!!!!
XX..Jolean

Milk Man Pluggin'...

Mornin' Ya'all!!!

So, after much deliberation, I have decided to DO IT!!! To make that change in my life, to change things for the better, to say goodbye to the old and hello to the new, to slough away the dead skin and re-emerge as a blossoming butterfly!!!!!
I AM GETTING HAIR EXTENSIONS!!!!
That's right, stand and deliver, call the dough boy, cancel the milk man, plug the cooter hole, burn the cake, AND LET'S GET THE HELL OUTTA DODGE!!!! I have a Dodge vehicle, so get out of my car dammit!!!!! AHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAAHAAA
Don't worry ya'all, I'm gonna be video taping my gettin' my hair extensions, so stay tuned and look out for my on youtube next week!!!! And while yer on there watchin', make sure to subscribe to my Channel!!!!!

Have a Happy Day Ya'all, and don't ferget to SMILE!!!!
XX...Jolean

Tree Humpin'...

Mornin' Ya'all!!!

It looks to be another beautiful wintery day here in the back woods on the frozen lake in Maine! I'm thinkin' bout takin' a hike with my little baby boy TB.
Although, TB has been kinda scarin' me as of late. He's been startin' to growl when strangers or animals are in the yard, he's been growin' weird patches of hair, and he's been startin' to purr when he sleeps!!!!
And when I take him for a walk in the woods he seems very happy and alert and tries jumping onto the trees...plus he likes to shit and bury it in the leaves and pees on bushes. And one time he tried humpin' Uncle Vinnie's wooden leg!!!
And he always gets upset when we have to leave a particular area where I've seen the Sasquabotch!!!!

Have a Happy Day Ya'all and don't ferget to SMILE!!!
XX...Jolean

President Respectin'...

Mornin' Ya'all!

Okay, so I hope ya'all had a super fantastic Presidents Day!
Here's a breakdown of how mine went:
The kids convinced me that school was cancelled, but I still wouldn't let them back inside the house!!! I think they are still up on the roof somewhere...heehee
Then, I had planned a day with my driver to take me to the city so I could got to the bank, the post office, you know the drill! And SON OF A BITCH!!!! They should let you know all these damn places close down fer the day to celebrate what? A bunch of men who keep puttin' us in wars, makin' us poor, are racist, and just plain Satan(I'm talkin' bout that current guy).
WHAT ABOUT ME???!!! What about a day to celebrate us Mom's who have to deal with 8 1/2 kids, a drunken ex, and stalkers???!!!! I mean really!!!!
Wait what? Oh that's right, Mother's Day....WELL, they don't close the fucking banks on that day do they????!!!!! HA!!!

I hope ya'all have a Happy Day and don't ferget to SMILE!!!
XX...Jolean

Bathroom Sexin'....

Mornin' Ya'all!!!

I hope ya'all had a really great Valentine's Day, wait, no I don't. I hope ya'all were stuck with yer kids watchin' horror movies and sippin' wine mixed with tears!!! Cuz Son of a Bitch, I was!!! Watchin' hearts bein' ripped out of bodies with a pick axe is much more satisfyin' than bein' treated like a lady by bein' takin' on a date out to a crowded and dirty MacDonald's where yer date(that's right, this is where my ex Tex took me last Valentin's!!!) told ya you can only order one item, off the dollar menu. Thank goodness we sat down next to someone who just left their tray on the table so I was at least able to have half order of a small french fry to go with my cheeseburger(well, processed cardboard).
AND THEN, when you go wash yer hands in the bathroom before ya eat, Tex sneaks into the ladies room to try and have sex with me!!! Well, I do have to give that drunk bastard credit, when he ain't passed out from drinkin' (or with that toothless stripper, or for that matter, at a circle jerk with his buddies) he is quite the verile and sexual man!!!
We went bangin' around all over that bathroom, I LOST A TOOTH!!!! AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAA
Then when we get back to our table, someone had stolen my cheeseburger and 1/2 fries. What are ya gonna do???

Have a Happy Day Ya'all and don't ferget to SMILE!!!!
XX...Jolean

Snow Workin'...

Mornin' Ya'all!!!

Have a Happy Friday and don't ferget to SMILE!!!! I'm workin' all day....EEEEEKKKK!!!!! SNOW DAY!!!!


XX...Jolean

Bahama Mama Workin'...

Mornin' Ya'all!!!

Well, we got a big snow/sleet storm comin' today...up to 2 feet of snow!!!!! I am ready fer it!!!
Don't ya just love it when yer cleanin' house and then stackin' wood(not the sexy kind either...heehee) outside to make sure ya got enough to keep the house warm while the storm hits, and yer kids say they're gonna help, and the next thing ya know, they take the car and go joy ridin'???!!! WHILE YER STILL WORKIN' YER ASS OFF???!!!
And it don't help that Tex is who knows where, he's no help in tryin' to keep them kids in line. I tried to teach them the right way to behave, and then they go and disrespect me like that???!!!! Is this all a part of them little bastards growin' up? Are they gonna not think about helpin' others and only help themselves? Did they learn that from me?
Who the hell knows. I'm gonna start chargin' them rent! That's right, welcome to Mama Jolean's Bed and Breakfast. Do what the hell ya want kids, cuz now I got yer money. I'M GOIN' TO THE BAHAMAS!!! BAHAMA MAMA....that's me!!!! AHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAA

Have a Happy Day and don't ferget to SMILE ya'all!
XX...Jolean

Drivin'...

Mornin' Ya'all!!!

Okay, so the other day as I'm drivin' down the road, Dolly Parton cassette tape blarin' inside, my singin', tryin' to to put on some eye liner, eat a hamburger, sippin' my diet cola AND tryin' to stay in my lane, and needless to say it was snowin' outside too. Well, as I hit a bump smear my eyeliner, and then another car starts honkin' their horn, DRIVIN' STRAIGHT FOR ME!!!
I couldn't believe they had the nerve to honk at me, horns make me sooooo nervous(don't ask, it's cuz of that weekend I spent at the circus). Yeah, I mighta been kinda in their lane on the road, BUT COME ON, I'm tryin' to multi-task here!!!!
And I was doin' a pretty damn good job of it until that cornhole started honkin'!!!!
The nerve of some people...

Have a Happy Day and don't forget to SMILE ya'all!!!
XX...Jolean

Alien Lightin'...

Mornin' Ya'all!!!

So, somethin' weird and strange happened to me again last night!!!

I was outside feedin' the wild deer, when suddenly there was a flash of light in the night sky!!! A FLASH OF LIGHT!!! The deer seemed to freeze, and suddenly there was a loud and strange screeching noise and the next thing ya know, I'm wakin' up in the snow surrounded by beer cans and a tequila bottles. I looked over and saw my ex tex and his friends passed out too, and the pick up truck!
AHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA...BASTARDS surprised my and then got me drunk so I passed out in the snow...heehee
Think I would rather had another alien abduction than havin' to deal with them drunk idiots, of course, I don't remember much else my self...ahahahhahahahhaa

Have a Happy Day Ya'all and don't ferget to SMILE!!!
XX...Jolean

Chainsawin'...

Mornin' Ya'all!
I'm keepin' it short, big day of filmin'....WOOWOO!!!!
Check out this classic episode from our fourth Vault Series with a special intro and bloopers at the end!
Have a Happy Day and don't ferget to SMILE!!!
XX...Jolean

Slappin' and a Swearin'...

Mornin' Ya'all!!!

I AM READY TO SELL MY CHILDREN FOR A TICKET TO THE BAHAMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAAAAA.....no, seriously!

Have ya'all ever been disgusted with yer kids when they talk back to ya?! And ya can't spank them cuz it's considered abuse nowadays, well hell, it used to be scary raisin' a kid and hopin' to make enough money to feed their damn pie holes, but NOW, it's scary cuz they can turn around, so F#$@ YOU, and laugh and walk off, and ya can't slap them!!!! Wait, I guess they learned that from me, SHIT!!! Never mind, heeheehee....

Have a Happy Day and don't ferget to SMILE!!!
XX...Jolean

Jokin'...

Mornin' Ya'all!!!

Guess what???!!!! Chicken butt!!!!! AHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAAA
That's it....heehee

Have a Happy Day and don't ferget to SMILE!!!!
XX...Jolean

Bra Dancin'...

Happy Hump-me Day Ya'all!!!

Well, as I sit here and write this, we are gettin' a foot of snowy white snow gettin' dumped on us! LMAO

So cards last night with Uncle Vinnie, Aunt Lerlean, and Tex ended up with all of us laughin', hootin' and hollerin', and sippin' on White Russians. Aunt Lerlean started lettin' out family secrets, Uncle Vinnie started lettin' out the dogs(literally, they had to go pee) and Tex was lettin' out his hot dog! And all I was lettin' out was some picture and video takin' fer black mail at a later date...AHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAAA And let's just say Lerlean knows how to 2-step in her bra! heehee

Have a Happy Day Ya'all and don't ferget to SMILE!!!
XX...Jolean

Poker Playin'...

Good Mornin' Ya'all!!!

Well, the good Lord has blessed me with a good day, feelin' great and ready fer my day!!! WOOWOO!!!

Anyhoo, as usual, the kids are in school, tex is still missin', and this gal is ready for some hot happenin' action!!!
Uncle Vinnie and Aunt Lerlean are comin' by later to play some Dead Man's Poker, and you wouldn't believe how competitive those old cronies can be! This one time, Aunt Lerlean through an ashtray at Tex because he got a royal flush and she lost. Of course, to be honest, Tex was so drunk he didn't even know, so he kinda deserved it...heehee She is one wily coyote, let me tell ya!
So tonight, I've made some of my beer bread and artichoke dip fer the occasion, and Lerlean is bringin' some of her clam dip and crackers (insert your own joke here...heehee)

Well, I hope ya'all have a Happy Day and don't ferget to SMILE!!!
XX...JOLEAN

Pukin'...

Good Mornin' Ya'all!!!

Well, ain't it funny, this is turnin' out to be a sick winter fer this gal!!! Spendin' the mornin' throwin' up Lord knows what! I better not be preggers again....and if I am, then WATCH OUT!!!! ahahahhahahahhahahaha
The kids are off to school, Tex is missin', he went fer a walk after we filmed the mornin' News Program, and hasn't been seen since! And I am too freakin' ill to beat up that damn toothless stripper who's shack he's prolly at gettin' some gummin' luvin'...ahahhahahahahhahahahahahhaaa

Well, time to make some soup, empty my puke bucket, and watch my stories on the tv.

Have a Happy Day ya'all and don't ferget to SMILE!
XX...Jolean

Snowmannin'...

Mornin' Ya'all!!!

Well, it's Sunday, the day of the Lord, and we had another damn snow storm last night. Is that shocking to hear? NO! Is that shocking to hear me bitch about it? NO! I have half a mind(or so i've been told...heehee) to order me one of them tannin' beds and that way I could just lazy away the rest of winter in a warm sunny box!!!! AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAA Of course, I don't need to be burnin' my damn hair!!!! heehee

It is quite beautiful outside. I may go out and enjoy it when I have to go save my youngest kid TB. His brothers and sisters like to make a snowman, WITH HIM INSIDE!!! AHAHAHHAHAHAAAA....they learned that bad habit from me and what I used to do to my ex Tex when he was actin' like a fool! heehee

Well, I hope ya'all have a Happy Day and don't ferget to SMILE!!!
XX...Jolean

Blooperin'...

Hey Ya'all!!!
Here's some hilarious outtakes and bloopers, so check it out if ya need a good laugh!
Have a Happy Day and don't ferget to SMILE!!!
XX...Jolean