Saturday in the ER...EEEK!!!

Hey ya'all, and Happy Saturday!
It is hot, sticky, and a bit overcast, but I freakin' love it! The kids are all went out in the water, and I just kept yelling, "GO DEEPER, GO DEEPER!!! KEEP SWIMMING OUT FURTHER!!!"
Low and behold I haven't seen them in the past 3 hours!!! WOOWOO!!!
Well besides that, I had a trip to the ER this morning, starting having heart palpitations or some shit like that! I mean, the shit gets crazy with your body once you turn 27!!!
Anyhoo, a coupla my friends were in the room with me while the doctor was taking tests on me and I was half naked, sittin' there and my left tittie fell out of my hospital gown. My girlfriends turned their heads in shock, and I was just like, oh don't worries Miss Prissies, I've had 8 1/2 kids. Once you have one, you lose all modesty...Good Lord!!!! You woulda thought I was table dancing in my stilettos and a g-string in church on Sunday morning the way those prudes acted!!! AAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!
Anyhoo, I hope ya'all are having a safe and happy weekend!
XX...Jolean

go deeper...lmao...that's what I used to tell my Tuesday Pimp....heehee

Labor Day Weekend and Nude on the Dock

So it's Friday, the start of Labor Day Weekend. And you know what, I just found some fireworks in my underwear drawer!!!

Who knew they were there???!!! Who knew I don't get into my underwear drawer that often???!!! Guess I been wearin' my good Sunday panties for too long....heehee. 

Well, when I finally decide to light that shit off, at least I'm on the water so that the trash can go where it needs, and I can jump in in case I set my home perm on fire!!!! LMFAO!!!!!

What are you all doing this Labor Day Weekend? Roasting hot meaty wieners on the BBQ?  Got some burgers to grille on your fiery pit???

Believe me, been there, done that! LOL

I'm just gonna get naked, lay down on my dock, and hopefully someone will take some pics of this hot white trash Mama, and get them published in the Enquirer!!! I am a celebrity of sorts anyhoo! heehee

This weekend my friends, my Joleaners, my loyal readers, please be safe, happy, slightly healthy(I got plenty of Dayquill and Scotch for my cocktails!), and always try and get your picture taken!

There ain't nuthin' like memories on film, especially if you have to use it in a court of law.

XX...Jolean

Thunder and Lightening and a Shocker up my Beaver Creek...

Happy Wednesday ya'all!
Well, I got all moved into my new place, and thank goodness it's on the water. Now I got a place to piss for free!!! AHAHAHAHHAAAA!!!!
And only half of my kids have found the house, so I'm still good for another week till I got all 8 1/2 of them, again, crying for a free meal ticket...UGGGG!!!
Everyone that lives down here told me to listen at night for the 'magical' sounds of the Loons. SON OF A BITCH!!! It sounds like they are all getting f'd five ways from Sunday, like one big squealing orgy!!! Now, not only do I have to put up with this shrieking, annoying noise, but I'M HORNY!!!
So now there's a thunder and lightening storm ripping across the valley like a son of a gun. And it don't please me, because....
a few years ago, my ex Tex (whom I've been married and divorced from 3 times) told me he wanted to try something kinky, to get our 'love life' going again. I was just like, 'pound home baby, and Mama will squeal...', oh but no, he had to hook up jumper cables from a car battery to my hooha's! Now every time the thunder rumbles and lightening strikes, I get an automatic zapper right up my beaver damn!!!!
They say the reaction will fade in time, kinda like an acid trip.... screw that, I'm enjoying the feeling! AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA
Well, have a most happy evening everyone, and watch out for them 'Shockers' from those perverts..(and if you don't know what a 'shocker' is, we'll discuss it later...heehee, or you can google it under sexual slang, eek!)
XX...Jolean

Miley Cyrus....Superwoman in training....

Happy Moday Ya'all!!!
Okay, I'm still in the middle of moving and was gonna wait a coupla days till I got back on here, but SON OF A BITCH!!! MILEY CYRUS!!!!
Okay, everyone seems to be all freaked out about her performance last night on the VMA's. I don't know what the hell that is, but it's a music thingy, and I just watched her performance.
Sooooooo, here's my input....LMAO!!!
I think everyone gettin' freaked out about is is HILARIOUS!!!! This is exactly what she wanted you fools!!! AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAAAA!!!!!
And lest we forget how so many women in history have been called whores, sluts, crazy, you dumb bitch behave or I won't un-handcuff you from the radiator????!!!!!
Well, shall I bring up Madonna? Christina Aqui-something? Cher? Marylin Monhoe? Mariah Scary? Britney Spears? Lady Gaga?
IT TAKES A WOMAN TO BE A WOMAN!!!!
And they have all bounced into Superwoman status after this, so there!!! HA!!!
And what about all these dudes that have naked women bumping and grinding in their music videos? These women know how to make a buck and use their bodies to do it! What's wrong with that? I am totally for prostitution and soft core porn....I've done it myself....ahahahhahahahahhaa!!!
So I say to Miley, YOU GO GIRL!!!!!
Have a happy day everyone.
XX...Jolean

Hey ya'all and Happy Thursday!!!
I've been sitting here around this damn mess of a house, cuz I'm packin' and movin'.
I am actually quite a tidy gal, but this is ridiculous. I feel like I should be on that Hoarders show...ahahahhahahaaaaa!!!!
Goin' through all this stuff, bringin' back memories of when the kids were younger(and they are still a pain in my ass, no matter what age), of loves I've lost(bastards! LOL), and the dreams I've watched float by(usually in a cloud of Mary Jane...AHAHAHHAHAHHAA).
But you know one thing, I'm still here. I haven't forgot who I am or where I'm goin'....shoot, where was it again? I lost the damn map, AGAIN! LMAO!!!
I just want everyone out there to know, don't give up on yourself. Love who you are, and screw the rest. As long as ya ain't hurtin' no one(cept hittin' your ex in the shins with an aluminum bat, but he deserved it, him and that damn toothless stripper of his...LOL), and you are bein' truthful and honest, just keep on, keepin' on. The sun is always gonna rise and set, and tomorrow is always a new day, even if you wake up handcuffed to a donkey, in a ditch on the side of a dirt road in Tijuana(sorry, I was regressing...heehee).
Have a lovely day all you Joleaners out there, and don't forget to smile! :)
XX...Jolean

Wednesday...where the hell is the week going? ahahahhaaaa
Good morning to ya'all!
Ya ever get to that point where you got so much crap running through your head that you just kinda sit there dumbfounded? And then you have to catch yourself cuz you realize you're drooling on your good Sunday blouse???
Yeah, I guess that's what happens when you got kids, exes, and a whole lot of unexplained itching going on in your basement, if ya know what I mean...LMAO!!!!
I think back on the times that made me strong. Not the time I accidentally got roofied those steroids, but like when I finally decided to start doing things for myself, and everyone (kids mostly) got all pissy cuz I wanted to live my dream of dancing on a pole. Well, it wasn't a dream so much as wanting some big brass rubbing up on my big ass! AHAHAHAHHAAAA!!!!! Oh, now I'm about as horny as a porcupine on a pineapple!!!
It's a sunny day outside as I write this, the kids are packing up the house for our big move, and I'm able to just sit here out in the sun in my lawn chair sippin' on my Dayquill and Scotch cocktails watching and laughing at them....Life is good.
Have a super fantastic day everyone, and don't forget to stop and smell the roses, well, I don't got no roses, more like a bunch of weeds ready to be mowed over...
XX...Jolean

Happy Terrific Tuesday to ya'all!!!
SCREW THAT!!! LOL!!!!
Me and the kids gotta move again, AGAIN!
And let me tell you, when you got 8 1/2 lazy kids(I blame my ex Tex), 14 cats(bastards won't stop breeding), and a house full o' crap(I'm taking that damn toilet bowl with me, it is sooo purty), well, let's just say it's just tuff being a martyr, such as myself.
All my ex's and possible fathers of a coupla my kids are all in prison! I'm a sucker for a bad boy...just ask the folks down at the ER! AHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!
So, as I greet this day, and hopefully get out of my housecoat today, I want to share a little bit of knowledge with ya'all....
When life hands you lemons, throw them, HARD, at the people who deserve it!!!! LMAO!!!!! ...get'm right in the eye, or jewel sacks...heeheeheee!!!
Have a most awesome day ya'all!
XX...Jolean

Monday morning...
Hey ya'all. I sometimes feel by the time we get to this point, especially after a wild and crazy weekend of locking the kids outta the house, turning up Willie Nelson on high(no pun intended...LOL), and vacuuming the house in my bikini, I just want to keep on going, or sleep for four days....LMAO!!!!
I understand most people have a "job" to get back to on Mondays, not me. I gotta clean the house, feed the kids, feed the cats, clean the outhouse, clean the bats outta the eaves, dig a hole for that body I found underneath my bed(he was kinda cute though...ahahhahhaaa), find a pair of pantyhose without a run in them, put leeches on my daughter Jolette to bleed out the demons, and then maybe do some dishes.
I stay very active, against my will, and barely get any money form the state!!! Maybe it's time to have another baby. More babies, more money from the state....WOOWOO!!!! Never mind, can't deal with another bastard in my bed right now. Plus, I just had a 'free' cab ride home the other night, if you know what I mean...ahahahhahahhahaaaaaa!!!!
Well, I would like to hear back from ya'all about your worst Monday ever....leave a message...beeeeeep! LOL

Have a great day people...
XX...Jolean

Good Friday Morning!!!
Well, let me tell you all about a little adventure I went on last night with my best girl Lulu.
We went to Bingo, that's right B-I-N-G-O!!! It was in the basement of this big ol' Catholic church, a bit creepy, but I'm used to that....LOL! (I've turned a few tricks in some pretty dark places)
I ain't played that game in years, and I never win, just sit there looking at all these old biddies takin' up half a damn table cuz they got so many stamp cards, dobbers(all the colors of the rainbow), and good luck charms(the strangest one I've seen is a dried up elephants paw!).
But, that was then, this is now.
Not much has changed....AHAHAHHAHHAAAAAA!!!!!
We got there a few minutes late, and I swear we were in the Wizard of Oz or something, all these short old women scurrying around to try and get the best seat and all their accessories for their sittings, like the munchkins on crack! LOL
When me and Lulu walked in, and we are both tall ladies, they all turned to look, I thought they were gonna attack us. Nope just a bunch of raised eyebrows. And then, when we went to sit, we got some heads turns of 'no', we ended up in the corner near the bathroom!!!! I felt like I was back in the ladies prison cafeteria!!!
Oh my lord, and them women most certainly are not 'ladies' when it comes to using the bathroom, and that's all I'm gonna say on that!
So the night went on, me and Lulu got close on a few games, and we definitely ate our weight in popcorn, Son-Of-A-Bitch!!! LMAO!!!!  
Oh, and we also had her son Mitch there, cuz we had been having a few too many earlier and needed a driver. He's only 10, but he drives better than either of us sober. LMAO!!!
And the ladies were on him like flies on shit!!!
Anyhoo, me and Lulu were giggling and laughing(needless to say, I brought in my flask, well, a thermos filled with Wild Turkey....WOOWOOO!!!!)
It wasn't about winning, just having fun. (screw that, we wanted the BIG MONEY!!!)
A lot of the games weren't big on money, as in prizes, it was the cover-all final big final pot at the end that seemed tantalizing....lot's of cash, the GRAND PRIZE!!!!
I sat there and was shocked when one of my cards started to get almost completely covered, then I started to shake, not sure if it was my nerves or the damn dt's.
My card was covered, I looked at Lulu and she was like, 'yell Bingo Bitch!'
I jumped up, yelled Bingo, then jumped up on the table after the guy verified it, and started doing my victory dance. Lulu was my backup girl, then shit got real!
The crowd got wild, started to boo me, and dobbers were getting thrown at me!!! I still got rainbow ink circles all over me!!! I even got nicked in the forehead by a pair of dentures, still wet and slimy-gross!
I fell off the table when my heel broke. My girl Lulu picked me up, we grabbed our cash winnings, stuffing it down our bras(mine are bigger than hers...haha), and ran for the parking lot.
They were starting to light torches and march after us. But this ain't the first time I had to run out after busting a heel in a 'sticky' situation. I'll write another time about Tijauana and that donkey I woke up handcuffed to in a ditch. Mitch was waitin' with the motor running, and we took off!!!
I can't wait to go back next week! :) What a way to end a Thursday night! :)
Have a super awesome Friday ya'all!
XX...Jolean

Well, happy Thursday to all you out there!
I was just going through some of my old segments, reliving a lot of memories, and actually getting pissed off, AGAIN, at all those corn-hole lickin' poop heads who have a made my life difficult, and quite famous on youtube....LMAO!!!!
My ex Tex, who I always fall for over and over again, well, I would rather shit in my hands and clap, than deal with his cheatin' ways, again, maybe...
Plus I always got friends gettin' drunk and stupid, then I fly off the handlebars! I mean, don't no one use common sense, learn from their mistakes, especially when they go to jail, end up having their cellmate Big Martha making you her 'prison wife', then comes stalking you after she get's out???!!! HUH???!!!  ...sorry, having a flashback....heehee
Anyhoo, I've learned a lot in life, and am still putting up with the bullcrap, mostly due to the fact I still got kids at home.
You ever heard the saying 'The grass is greener on the other side of the fence'? Yeah well that's because it's fertilized with bullshit!!!! AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAA
Just stay true to yourself, say 'Son of a Bitch!' (out loud! lol) once in a while, and move on sweeties!
Have a super awesome day...
XX...Jolean

'Wednesday morning. Hump Day. Unfortunately I realize it is neither a recognized holiday, nor a day of humping. Well, Happy Wednesday!' LMAO!!!

So I've got people asking about my 8 and 1/2 kids, well actually the 1/2 one.

Here's the story:

One weekend, a few years ago, me and my ex Tex took the brats to the circus. I don't like those places, smelly animals, kids running around like they are on speed, and just a bunch of weird folks!

Well, Tex thought he would be 'romantic' and slip a roofie in my beer. Hmf!!! 

The next thing you know, I'm running around trying to grab the elephant's tail and swing around on a giraffe's neck. I got applause....LOL! 

Then Tex ran off, with that toothless stripper I think, and the brats, well who knows where they all went. 

Anyhoo, I was high for the weekend and stayed at the circus.

It was one wild weekend of naked clowns, balloon animals, midgets, and cotton candy. And let me tell you, cotton candy gets really sticky when it's wet. ahahahahhahahahahhahaaaaa

Then 8 months later, I gave birth to a little girl. And she stayed little. I named her Midge. :)

So, that's my 1/2 kid. I sometimes like to dress her up as a gnome and have her stand in the yard to scare away the Jehovah's or Old Man Tillman down the street. He nearly, well he did have, a heart attack...AHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAA.....she can stand very still for a long time. I love that little whipper snapper. 

So, I hope you all have a wonderful 'hump' day!

XX...Jolean

Well happy freakin' rainy Tuesday to all you folks out there!
I got up this morning, and for some strange reason I keep waking up UNDERNEATH my bed. I just wish I woulda remembered what happened. I hate missing out on the 'good times'.
Anyhoo, after I rolled out from underneath my bed, I started doing housework, fed the cats, the monkey(don't ask!!!) and the kids. Then I sent the kids off to school.
I know school hasn't started yet, but I convinced those little brats that it had, and sent them off in a dark van. Who's driving it, I dunno. Will they come back? With my bad luck, probably. ahahahhahahhahaaaaaa
So now I begin my day, it's raining, and I'm stuck indoors with the baby, T.B. I just like to put him in the cage with the monkey. It is hilarious the way those two bicker and hug. It is definitely a love/hate relationship, kinda like me and my ex Tex.
Great, now I'm thinking about Tex and his little sausage link....my cooter is on fire!!!!
Have a great day everyone...and lemme know about your favorite love/hate relationship.
XX...Jolean

Well, hallelujah and good Monday morning!!!
So my oldest son Tanner, who's 16, decided last fall he wanted to get his driver's permit. And now he got a part-time job at a farm. My little boy is growing up so fast, AND IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME!!!!
I can't tell you how sick I am of supportin' all these kids by myself, well, me and the state...heehee. The more kids you got, the more money you get for free...WOOWOO!!!!
Anyhoo, that little tyrant needed to go to work this morning, so I let him drive the truck with me in passenger seat.
Holy hell on high water in the middle of the Mississippi!!!!
That boy drives slower than molasses and takes so long at those stop signs, stop and go, stop and go, I almost lost my tic tac breakfast!!!
Plus, stoppin' and startin' like that is such a waste of gas! I don't even know why they make stop signs. You should just be able to GO all the time to get where you need to be, on time. Screw those who can't keep up and pay attention. And my truck is big enough to handle any wildlife trying to commit suicide in the middle of the road.
I can't tell you how many porcupine and raccoon stews I've made from roadkill. And a Moose can last a week at my house. Ahahahhahaaaaaa.....\
Have a beautiful day everyone, and just watch out if I'm on the road, cuz I ain't stoppin' for long....
XX....Jolean

Good Sunday afternoon to ya'all!
Well, as I was laying in bed the past few nights I could hear noises, little flapping sounds and rustling. I just figured I had one to many Dayquill and Scotch cocktails once again, and it was just the bats in my belfry. The Good Lord knows I've had enough emotional drama lately as well, so going crazy just seemed natural.
Well guess what?! I literally have bats in the belfry! Those little bastards have been roosting in the eaves of my house!!!
I know I've done a few segments on YouTube for Batco Bat Insurance, but I guess I hadn't kept up on my payments. In fact, here is the last one I did when I was back in California...

I got a neighbor coming over later to take care of them little buggers.
I would love to hear any stories you all have had with bats in the past.
Have a most wonderous day everyone!
XX...Jolean

Good mornin' to ya'all! Boy I had a rough night of sleep, and there weren't even anyone but me involved! LOL I didn't even wanna get my little roadside shop open today, I made my damn kids open it, now I just wanna do a 'free-for-the-taking' sale.....SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE ME AWAY!!! LMAO Have a most awesome day everyone, and does anyone know how to get wax stains out of your undies? ;) Love Jolean!!! XX

My Very First Blog...WOOWOO

Hi, Jolean Thorton here. I'm just starting to do this blog thingy. I figure I can share my experiences with the world. I mean, I got 8 1/2 kids, been married and divorced from my ex Tex 3 times!!!!, and have to keep putting up with this crazy world. I love to cook and will start sharing some of my favorite videos of me. Here is one of my very first cooking segments I did years ago, and not too many people got sick. Well, one went to the ER, but who's counting....hahhahahhahaaaaaa

Let me know if you have any questions, cuz I'm great at giving advice, ask my friends, uh wait, don't do that.